Useful Tips

How to survive sexual abuse?


I don’t want to write lengthy nonsense on the topic "Do not go there, do not go here." But if you are already in a situation that threatens your health, life, and ...

1. The person from whom the potential threat emanates is adequate, not mentally ill (normal, of course, you will not name capable of violence).

Start talking. The bigger and more intense the better. About everything. About a sick child who needs medicine, about a beloved husband, about old parents, about their hobbies. About everything that can hurt human feelings in him. After all, he is primarily a man.

Try to find in it something similar to you. You love the same color of T-shirts, a radio station, recently bought almost the same wheels for a car (take an interest in how your interlocutor managed to keep them in such good condition), what beautiful / disgusting weather is in January. Anything, if only he would talk to you, feel that you are not an object, but a person, the same as he is. It is much more difficult to do something bad for a person with whom he has already exchanged a couple of phrases.

One woman managed to avoid rape as follows.
Late in the evening she gets off the bus at her stop. Following her is a man with a look on his face that does not promise anything good. More at a stop not a soul. So this lady attacked a potential rapist with the words: “It's so good that you went out with me, otherwise I’m so scared to go home alone!”

Thus, she imposed on him the role of "hero-savior." I handed him his heavy bags, and the man humbly escorted her to the porch. (Then she reported to the police about this type. And indeed, it turned out that he had long been sought for rape.)

You can try to focus on religion. One acquaintance escaped a fight with a crowd of "proletarians" when a fist was literally brought over him in this dialogue:

- Man, are you Orthodox?
- Yes.
- God is with you!
- …With me!
“So what are you doing?”

And calmly left.

2. The person from whom the potential threat emanates is inadequate (crazy, maniac).

This is perhaps a much more complicated situation. It is very difficult to understand what is going on in the head of an abnormal person. Here you need to rely only on your intuition. If you feel that the concepts of “Violence” and “Victim” are important for him, it is necessary to destroy this framework, to cease to fit these standards. For example, to pounce on him herself: “Hold me tight, dear, I will give you love!”

With the second type, God had mercy on me. And in situations of the first type, I myself visited twice. In both cases, it seemed that something turned off my criticality. I was in a hurry (or in a hurry).

Lovely women! No matter where you are late, no matter how cold / wet / late it is on the street, do not immediately get into a car with strangers. Stop for a few seconds and think: “Do you need to take risks now? Is the person adequate for driving? Is he alone in the car? For what purpose did he decide to give you a lift? ”(Is he led by a desire to make money, just help, or something else?) If you stop for a couple of seconds to assess the situation, all this can be“ read ”both from the car and from the driver’s face.

And again: try to remember the car number, make, color, and then call a loved one. Tell us that you were offered a ride, everything is fine with you. Make it clear to the potential rapist that you are not alone.

Victim often knows his rapist

Adults, telling children about safety rules, warn: beware of strangers who are waiting for you in a dark alley. But this is rather a scary fairy tale. In reality, most victims know their abuser well. They can become a friend or even a relative.

No, this does not mean that any loved one is a potential rapist. But if an adult behaves suspiciously: trying to hug, kiss, makes various hints - this is an occasion to beware. Especially if an adult does not respond to requests to stop or is trying to translate everything as a joke.

Adults should not behave this way with children. Staying alone with such a person can be dangerous. One day he may lose control, especially if he is abusing alcohol or drugs. To avoid trouble, you must definitely tell your parents, older friends, a school psychologist — any adult you trust.

Is there always a female victim?

Another popular misconception: only girls are raped. In fact, boys are also at risk. According to statistics, every tenth teenager experiences rape before the age of 14 years. And out of ten affected teenagers, two will be boys. Given that not all victims go to the police, the real numbers may be higher.

Danger lurks boys in locker rooms and showers of sports clubs. Both a coach and guys from a sports team can become a rapist. Aggressive, dominant teenagers may perceive rape as a funny joke. And try to "joke" with someone they don’t like. Also, violence for them is a way to punish the offender, put in place. At the same time, the victim does not necessarily commit something really bad, he just does not do what the company leader wants.

Girls are raped regardless of their appearance. There is an opinion that they attack only those who look affordable: wears short skirts, brightly colored and behaves uninhibitedly. But this is not so.

Even a modest, quiet girl who has never attracted the attention of boys can become a victim. Girls are at particular risk in companies that use alcohol and drugs. The rapist can deliberately solder his victim, waiting until she is intoxicated and can not resist.

The best way to protect yourself is to not consume anything and try to leave as soon as possible. If a stranger offers a drink and he is very persistent, you need to call for help. You can’t go out with this guy anywhere and be alone with him.

Girls take risks when they return home late, walk alone through a wasteland or other uninhabited place, get into a car with unfamiliar men. To protect yourself, you must always calculate your schedule in such a way that you return home before dawn, go only along crowded streets, tell your parents or friends where you are, so that they can meet you.

Am I ready for sex?

The age of sexual consent exists for a reason. Children and adolescents under 16 are not yet ready for sex. The body and psyche continue to form. Most teenagers are sure that they know everything and are ready for sex, but in reality this is not so. No need to rush. An unpleasant first experience can ruin the impression and permanently discourage the desire to have sex in the future.

The body of a teenager is formed up to 18-20 years. The genitals, like any others, must form correctly. For girls, early sex is fraught with malfunctions of the menstrual cycle, they may appear diseases of the genitourinary system: cystitis, cyst, erosion. Boys run the risk of genital injuries, cracks and tears of the foreskin.

Emotional readiness for sex is as important as physical. First sex is an exciting and responsible event, especially for girls. If teens start having sex before age 16, they are usually not protected. They cannot buy contraceptives, and often do not even know that they need to be used.

In the event of pregnancy or contracting sexually transmitted diseases, adolescents experience a severe nervous shock. Abortion or prolonged treatment causes shame and guilt, fear that someone will find out about it. Particularly sensitive teenagers may even need the help of a psychotherapist.

If the partner insists on sexbut you think it's too early, no need to force yourself. Sex without clear consent is rape. Forced adult sex with a teenager is rape. You do not need to agree to sex in order to seem older or out of fear to disappoint your adult boyfriend (girl). In addition, even if everything is voluntary, your partner may have problems. Having sex with a teenager who has not reached the age of consent is a criminal offense.

Do not trust all adults

Young children can go after a strange aunt if she promises them candy. Such methods do not work for older children, so criminals have to be inventive. They can ask for help, pretend to be sick, disabled. Introduce yourself as a policeman, a social worker, they may have documents with them. For such "performances" criminals prepare in advance and look very convincing.

You cannot be gullible at any age! You can’t go indoors with an adult, get into a car, give him your phone. Even if this person is familiar and your parents trust him, be careful. If you feel in danger, forget the rules of good parenting. Do not be shy to scream, call for help, push the adult away. If he is trying to restrain or drag along, you need to try to push him away.

Can rape be enjoyed?

Sometimes, during a rape, the victim may experience an orgasm. Does this mean that she was pleased? No. Why is this happening? Our psyche is designed in such a way as to protect ourselves in any dangerous situation. Therefore, the body reacts to sex with an orgasm to smooth out the situation. Physical reactions cannot be controlled, so do not be shy and think that something is wrong with you.

If you doubt whether it was a rape, because physically you were pleased, think about whether you really wanted it. How will you behave if the situation repeats itself? Did your partner get consent to sex, and if so, what was the reason for it? Maybe you are afraid of him? Or do you think sex is a kind of relationship fee? Even if you are pleased during the process itself, sex without full consent is rape. And relationships with a person who forces you to have sex, if you do not want it, are dangerous and wrong.

Some people tend to enjoy pain, they are called masochists. It is believed that their parents who use physical punishment are to blame. Children love their parents and need reciprocal love. But if, instead of support, children receive punishment, they begin to perceive beatings as one of the signs of love.

Raised in dysfunctional families, boys and girls, entering into a relationship and starting to have sex, want the same relationship from a partner. If they are raped, they will most likely perceive it as something normal and even pleasant.

The abuser may be their partner or a random person. Such a reaction is abnormal, masochists cannot assess the danger of such a relationship and seriously suffer. If you notice similar inclinations, you need help. Do not be afraid to talk about it with a psychologist or parents. Everything that you tell will remain between you, and you will receive effective advice.

You must not be silent

Rape victims are often afraid or embarrassed to seek help. They are afraid that they will not be believed that the offender will not be punished, and this could happen again. Some do not trust their parents, do not want to talk to the police or undergo the necessary medical procedure. You need to understand that police, doctors and social workers are called upon to help. They are required to ask unpleasant questions in order to get a full picture of what happened and to be able to bring charges.

Overcoming constraint can be very difficult. But a confidential conversation with another person will bring you relief. If you don’t have such people in your environment, or if you’re afraid of talking to one on one, call the hotline for rape victims. There are specialists who will certainly help with advice and tell you what is the best way to act.

Consequences of violence

Rape may develop as a result of psychological trauma. These are constant nightmares, a feeling of fear and insecurity, a fear of relationships.

The consequences of rape can be different: from a complete refusal to have sex to promiscuous sex with everyone. The rape victim seems to cease to feel his body, considers it dirty and spoiled.

Sometimes, having experienced rape, adolescents consider themselves guilty, and the rapist is acquitted and sympathized with him. They deliberately begin to seek relationships with people who will treat them rudely and scornfully. The partner can punish, beat and in every possible way limit the teenager, and he will think that it should be so. This phenomenon is called stockholm syndrome. It can influence a person in adulthood, and prevent him from building normal relationships.

Is the victim guilty too?

Victimbleming (literally - “accusation of the victim”) is the transfer of guilt for rape from the perpetrator to the victim. Unfortunately, often responsibility is shifted precisely to the victim. Her clothing or behavior is considered a legitimate reason for rape. But it's not right. Even if the victim was walking around with a million in her arms and literally asking for a robbery, the court found the robber guilty of a crime. So it is with rape. Only the criminal is to blame.

Even if it seems to you that your behavior could somehow provoke the rapist, only he is to blame for what happened. Therefore, do not be afraid to seek help.

When a person you know becomes a rapist

But all of the above applies to cases when a stranger attacks. And, as the experience of our Sisters center shows, most rapists are not unknown bandits at all. 70-80% of rapes are committed by people. acquaintances.

My friend once admitted that at the age of 15 she met an adult man who, two days later, invited her to spend an evening with him. And he was very courteous - until they entered his apartment on the 10th floor and he closed the door with a key that he put in his pocket. Then he said in a businesslike way: "Come on, undress, which you stand like a pillar." Shocked by the abrupt change, the girl said she did not want to go to bed. “Then jump out the window,” this adult, but wild specimen of a man grinned and went at her. Abortion did not have to. But for many years in a row she silently carried a nightmare of humiliation and bullying, fearing that her relatives would not understand her. It took her own great will, long platonic courtship and patience of her husband to overcome the psychological barrier of the consequences of “that meeting”.

This example clearly shows that in our society the concepts of “human dignity” and “property of others” mean little so far. Parents rarely teach children to aggressively protect their bodies and say “no” firmly. Sometimes they don’t learn to understand that this “no” requires respect, that you can’t take by force and threats what you don’t want to give - be it a strange thing, much less a foreign body, and with it honor. It is often considered: if a woman says “I do not want”, then she can still be “persuaded”. And if she doesn’t resist, “it means she agrees, but she’s embarrassed to admit it.”

Incidentally, for those who doubt the right of women to say “no”, the Criminal Code of Russia provides for the article “For rape, that is, sexual intercourse using physical violence, threats or using the victim’s helpless state”. It relies from 3 to 7 years. And for gang rape or rape of a minor - from 5 to 15 years. For especially grave consequences, as well as for the rape of a minor - from 8 to 15 years, with reference to a period of 2 to 5 years or without reference. Or DEATH PENALTY.

Unfortunately, according to experts, only a quarter of women turn to the police for help. Many, many survive in silence. Meanwhile, the number of even registered cases of violence against women is clearly growing: from 9 thousand in 1980 to 15.5 thousand last year. Over the past year, 56.4 thousand turned to doctors for help as a result of injuries and other injuries inflicted. husbands. 14.5 thousand were husbands KILLED.

How to behave with rape

The most important thing in rape is not to panic. I know that many who did not lose their heads managed to escape unscathed or with small losses even from almost hopeless situations. If the voice didn’t disappear from fear, try to use it to shock the enemy and run away. One woman was seized from behind late at night. And something seemed to be included in it: “I know you,” she said calmly. The attacker has disappeared.

You can try and persuade, groping in the conversation sensitive places. Or drink to insensibility, if there is such an opportunity. If you are confident in the power of the blow, hit with something that has turned up under your arm, but not with a spatula for whipping flies. Not worse than others, and the sentence: “I agree, but let's first cook something tasty - not to lay down on an empty stomach.” And there you can try to sprinkle the tablets and add something else. And pepper, salt in the eyes to throw. In general, depending on the circumstances.

And if the tragedy has already happened (and in the family it is sometimes repeated regularly), go and the police. В течении 72 часов (пока остается сперма) вас должны направить на судмедэкспертизу. Если сперма попала в полость рта, в анальное отверстие, на кожу, постарайтесь ее сохранить, собрав в какую-то емкость. Правда, учтите, что даже в Москве судмедэкспертиза пока одна.And another question: will that particular policeman whom you turned to want to start a business. “Hangman” - an unsolved crime of an unknown person - provokes many law enforcement officers to persuade not to make noise.

And then, and also if you do not want publicity, but feel the need for support and medical assistance, please contact us, the Moscow Sisters Center for Sexual Abuse Survivors. We have committed ourselves to accepting, appreciating and not condemning all survivors of violence, including those with AIDS or HIV. As well as prostitutes, alcoholics and drug addicts. Our help is free and anonymous.

We know that no one wants to be raped and the victim never provokes violence. We want the victims to regain faith in their strength, to control their lives. Our goal is to develop a strategy to eradicate this evil. And create a network of shelters, helplines.

Be lenient to rape victims

There are lawyers protecting the victims in court, a prosecutor who helps with the passage of such cases. For women who do not want to start a lawsuit, we will provide psychological support.

But I would like people to think: why do they not want publicity? There are many options, but the essence is always the same: those to whom the child, the woman would like to turn are usually brought up in the belief that if someone was raped, then this is “undoubtedly the fault of the victim”.

This is not true! And brings additional suffering. Loneliness does not mean an invitation to attack. This is our immoral education leads to this state of affairs. And neither a loving father (and mother very often), neither husband nor brother - no one has the right to insult the raped woman for what happened to her. She had just gone through a situation of choice between life and death. If she had not been threatened with beatings, the death of her or her child, the victim could say: “No, thanks, I do not want to” - and leave. She chose life. And she so needs your support. Your acceptance of her as she is now. Yes, rape, survivor of misfortune, crisis. But you didn’t lose your mind, feelings.

This is the only reason why the victim does not want publicity - the incorrect education of her family.

So is it time to gradually change our attitude towards the rape victim? After all, it would never occur to anyone to blame a person for being robbed or a brick fell on his head, for being born a cripple. But are not spiritual wounds so serious? So is it possible to finish off the lying man? Isn’t it more humane to lend a hand to him.

Assistance services for women victims of violence, such as “Sisters,” are created and are being created in other cities of the country. In St. Petersburg, Yekaterinburg, Nizhny Tagil, Zagorsk. If such a service is not nearby, and it is expensive to call, write to us. And be sure to go through an examination with a dermatovenerologist, because, you know, after such “contact” with strangers, all sorts of complications are possible.